The Voice within

I can't recall what the conversation started with, but I remember the ending.
"Sophia- that is ridiculous. I swear there is a voice inside of you talking to you and I think it's your mother." My friend Kennedy was pointing out a negative energy, but in an encouraging way. I was on a path. I guess I always am. It's usually the scenic route.

I'm pretty sure I agreed on some level--but the chatter was still there.

It goes like this:
1. "How could a daughter of mine keep her room so messy."
2. "How could a daughter of mine not do her dishes."
3. "If your house was in order, then the rest of your life would follow."
4. "Oh honey, you don't have the time to do that."
5. "You just worry me so much with all the crazy things you do."
6. "I just always feel like you're always testing me."
7. "Why are you so hard on me."
8. "You are just like your father."


Parents out there: the really great thing about all of these sentences is the control you will wield over your child. If they are not a naturally tidy person (and really, who is other than serial killers), there are multiple opportunities each day as an adult for the child to feel like a failure and disowned from the parent, in dishes alone. And even if they do get them done, since you never compliment them on a task well-done, they will never feel successful. The grown child will have to work at least 16 hours a day to keep the work and home in order and if you tell your parent to shut up- YOU are being too hard on them. But hey- you're in control.

4 and 5 are great because it shows you have no empathy for your child, or belief that they can accomplish new things. Sure, if they just barrel out on their own and try a new career, you let them (and even on their birthday or Christmas tell them how proud you are of their courage-always nice to be in control of those compliments) , but you never give them any real support. If it's money for clothes they need because their shitty job in TV news doesn't pay enough or cover clothing- by all means, tell your child what they really need to do is "get rid of some things. You really have so much." That way, you invalidate their feelings of need while also letting them know that in no way are you going to help. It will also make them feel like there is something wrong with THEM when they see their friend's parents there taking their daughters or sons shopping for things they need to get their career off the ground. Best case scenario, make your child feel early on that their needs are unreasonable, so they never ask. ( Sentence 6 and 7 work great for accomplishing that.) For a little icing on the cake, do eventually come visit your adult child in their work place and be sure to fixate on the snotty co-worker who had a great parent who was supportive.

The bad news: your child could end up dying an early death with a needle in their arm.

The good news for me? I managed to escape the bad news, but at age 43, that voice was like a constant siren in my head. I kept trying to get it's approval and rationalize with it. I sought out friendships with people who were like my mom, in hopes they would say I was neat and organized (ha.) Because I just wanted to be OK. The worst was when I would hear her come out of my mouth to others who deserved it no more than the spirited little cross -eyed child (that I was.)

Number 8- is complex. My mom is very "devoted" to my dad. She'll do anything for him, like meals and cleaning (well that's sort of for herself.) But won't do anything with him. He adores that she is a musician and likes to be included in that world, but she would get so frustrated that he couldn't help himself learn how to sing his part with choirs. Sometimes she'd help a little, but it was always short lived. Much of each day was spent with her complaining that he couldn't do projects on his own, or would leave them before they were finished. Now, I'll give her that that is annoying- but it's doesn't make a person a bad or less successful person- yet I grew up believing it did.

In fact my beliefs were as follows:
Mean, judgemental, high IQ, nerdy,  tidy people = strong,  good and most likely to be successful.
Kind, accomadating, average IQ , naturally good looking people but messy =  weak, bad and prone to laziness and don't deserve any breaks in life.

On Saturday March 15th, I got up at 6:00 am to meet my friend Kurt to go running. Got dressed in the outfit I'd laid out and filled my pack. When I realized I was doubled over coughing up phlegm, I texted him that I wasn't going to make it. I thought it was bronchitis. Kurt texted back to be careful with the lungs. But.... the voice within. As I crawled back into bed, I didn't feel sick, I was overwhelmed with guilt of being lazy, that I should be out running, that surely if I was a better person who was more committed to their fitness goals, I would be out there running through it. After all, Brooks Williams runs with Cystic Fibrosis. On that note, I fell back asleep.

When I woke up, I thought, well if you aren't running, you should use this time to get your house in order. Do all the dishes, sort through the mail, fold and put away clothes, not to mention the spare bedroom. Get those extra boxes into the basement, or out to the garage. And what about the pack you promised to mail to Kim? (Sirens.....) I plopped on the couch, coughing and watched 13 episodes of Dexter.

My original plan for that weekend, also included meeting my friend Emily to run a 5k followed by a half marathon in Lawrence (Pi Day run). The voice was creating such guilt, I didn't even text her that I wasn't going to be there. Somehow the voice had convinced me I wasn't sick, I was lazy. Like my dad. But then I remembered what Kennedy had said, and I thought- what would Dad say?

"Aw Jubie (his pet name for Julia, my first name and how they know me.) You have bronchitis? You should go to the doctor."

Some people are just organically kind, nurturing and loving. No matter what they have been lead to believe by those who are closest to them. My Dad is one of those people and as of that day, I just let go of the flaws I've judged in him and myself so harshly my whole life and moved on.  I don't actually see my father as lazy anymore. I think he is just worn out and drained from a life of giving love and not feeling it back in the way he needed.

It doesn't mean I don't love my mom. I do. She's very interesting, and as long as there aren't too many people around to distract her, I remain fairly unscathed in her presence.

The bronchitis lasted for four and a half weeks. I made the right decision to go easy on the running, as it could have become pneumonia. And the voice is quieter-- sometimes I hear it calling, trying to get back in, but I just make sure I chose the pieces that can help, not hurt.

Finally, I don't write this to hurt or bash my mom, although it no doubt would if she checked my blog.   I do it because so many of my friends have commented on my emotional lightness lately, wondering what changed. So there you have it.

Free state 100k, 2014. Viking Warrior Princess: If you can't take the heat, get out of the fire.

My shadow was as black as coal, and there was a shining orb of yellow surrounding it. It was 9:47 am, my skin was burning and my head ached. When I'd gotten to the 10 mile aid station my drop bag was no where to be found. In it was a visor, sunglasses and my specific nutrition.

The temperature climbed to 80 degrees by 10 am, and stayed there until 5:30. I couldn't figure out why I was so hot when I was running on a trail. Isn't trail running supposed to be cooler because of the trees? I looked up into the sky wondering why it was so damn hot and I knew.... There are no leaves yet on the trees-- except the Redbuds (insert sneeze and allergy induced nasal discharge that makes it's way attractively to shorts.)

I was coming off a month + bout of bronchitis after a glorious winter of running in my favorite temps, 20 and Sunny. Even those who like summer running were withering and dropping distances since they just weren't ready to take the heat. 18 dropped distances. 15 finished the 100k and of those 8 were women. But this day, the thought of dropping or dragging ass to miss cut-offs couldn't be further from my mind. It was hot, it was tough and I was grinding it out, running as much as possible and on some twisted level enjoying the absurdity of it all.



"I couldn't decide if I should laugh or cry, so instead I dry heaved. "

Actually I didn't dry heave- -- but it embraces the spirit of the day.

For this race, I did something extra special-- spent 45 minutes the night before trying to get my braids to resemble Lagertha's from the History Channel series, Vikings. It ended up being really fun and much cooler than the wads of French braiding against my head I usually do.

Loop 1: Ran with Emily and Erin. Was fun. We switched off leading. A few times I asked Emily to ease back. A few times Erin asked me to ease back-- but mostly the pace was easy. Got to Land's End. My longtime running buddy Kurt had shirts made. "No wieners for whiners." I ate a wiener. It was yummy. KUS aid station. After doing what I now will call the "cuss"mile, I find out my drop bag that was labeled with my name, number and KUS did not make it to the aid station. (Before the race, I left it "on the other side of the truck" as instructed)  My visor was in there, as was my special nutrition (see bottom of blog for what I used.) 4 hours 16 minutes.

Loop 2: Fine until RWB, but I am running alone. Then it is just hot. I am anxious about not having the drop bag, but grateful I chose to carry my $275 Petzyl NAO in my pack instead of putting in the bag. I have never had a drop bag miss it's mark, so I chucked it up to another bucket list item. Mile 90 took this nice photo of me running along the shoreline.

I finish the cuss mile and find out that my friend Mel, who I had run past at the end of loop 1, relentlessly dug around and found my well-marked drop bag and got it to it's spot. YAY. The next 9 miles are technical with little hills (although the total elevation per loop is around 1100, so not much) and I was baking. I had a headache from the sun, my skin was burning, but again a relentless spirit. The Weiner Whiners loaded my back and bra up with ice and I think it took me an hour to finish the final 2.8 miles to the 40 mile mark. "Sophia , you are soooo going to make the Cut-off." My longtime running buddy Kurt was giving me props. I complimented him on his V-neck (DEEP V). I guess it was the only style in medium....

***Kurt helping Andy Bowman."****

 

Loop 3: "Could I get a pickle? Why are they over there?" "Oh those pickles are for finishers." " Wait, you mean for droppers?" Not to worry, Alex Beecher was moving at 5 minute mile pace to get me my pickle before I took off for loop 3. Emily and Matt laughed with me and wiped the chocolate/avocado remains off of my face. "You look like a little kid. You have food everywhere."  The first 4 miles were like DOG miles. Still. So. Hot. I re-fuel at RWB and proceed to basically black out for about a mile. All of a sudden it was like I was back-- but wondered if I'd crossed the gravel road a half mile after the RWB station.. dazed and confused, I keep on. When I see the arch, I know that I went past it, but cannot remember, no matter how hard I try.

***here's the arch*** That's Mel who got my drop bag to it's home.

I look down at my watch and see that it is now 5:30 and start to feel a bit better, and like running more vigorously. So, I do.

"WALALALALALALALAL" I cried as I got to the Wieners. "Viking Warrior Princess is BAAACK."

Next treat: My friend Erica was at KUS to fluff me up along with Bryan West. Adding fuel to the fire. And just the right kind. Tony Clark seemed to think I was a little weird that I wanted an S-cap on the avocado. We are all weird.

Once it got dark, I put on the high powered headlamp and was grateful the sun was not roasting my pale skin. However, while I've run thousands and thousands of miles at Clinton, I realized, I had never run them in the dark-- and I was quite depleted. So here's the weird stuff... Even though the "hills" are not long and really not that steep, they seem larger, and it's dark. And I have an astigmatism. As I would crest each one, I felt like I was atop the highdive and 5 again, or at the top of a black diamond skiing. Still, each one, I managed to overcome the fear, choose a path and head down like a Kamikaze pilot, grateful that I have dental insurance, since a fall would no doubt knock out my teeth.

Last time through Land's End (Forever Weiners.) and my friend Mark is there too. I continue. Get cheered on by the folks at the campground, fall at mile 61 on a smoother section. Yup, a nice header. I guess the cheering got me fired up. As I come upon a mile marker, I am hoping it says 9, as that's the final marker before the finish-- but it says 8. But I am calm. It was like the final chapter of a book where you couldn't stop turning the pages to find out the ending-- This time, I decided to savor it. It had been a long day. A hot day. A day where I wasn't fighting demons with a useless folding saw, but with my Viking sabre and shield.

It was good to finish, and I did a little spritz and waited for Erin who was a little behind me. She came powering up the hill and crossed the finish! I was so happy to see her finish so strong.

I am so fortunate to have a wealth of running friends. The great thing about a local race is that you know so many people. Many know of your successes and failures, and it makes a day as I had at Free State even more special.

I sent a text to thank Kurt for his 16 hours of volunteering and just for being so great.

"Very proud of you, my friend."-- Kurt.

*NOTE* If you read my blogs for entertainment.. skip this next part, it's a bunch of useful information about race nutrition, but not a very good read if you want to laugh, cry or dry heave.
Mostly, I think I didn't dry heave because I changed up the majority of my nutrition plan. Yes. For race day.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing that didn't work and expecting a different result."
I am not sure if it's OCD, but I tend to over dose on things that work for me including race nutrition.
I entered this race with sweet chews making me want to gag. Same with all gels, and Gu Brew or Gu Roctaine (yes, as one friend said, I am an over-achiever even in failure.)
Another bad habit that never brings  good results: Obsessing over things like nutrition problems.

So- I gutted my plan. Not without fear, but without obsessing. I went into the race under the assumption that I'd just do the best I could, keep eating and expect very little. I knew nothing would taste good.

UCan- chocolate recovery
Huma Chia energy gels
raw almonds
Avacados

UCan boasts a slow burning starch that doesn't spike your blood sugar and allows your body to use it's stored fat. I had discussed drinking one pre-race, but decided against it. Fear. Also, at LT100 this summer, I went into it with way too much in my stomach, so I played this safe here.
I did one 200 calorie packet in my Mizuno bottle at mile 21 and carried it with me, another at mile 31 and again at mile 42. I would have done another, but didn't have another. Honestly, I didn't realize how much I would LOVE this stuff. Sippy sip. Yummy yum. (by the way MEB uses it too)
http://generationucan.com/
You can purchase it in KC at Ultramax Sports- who I thank for their excellent information on nutrition strategy and having the product for me.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/ultramax-sports-prairie-village
HUMA chia energy gel : although these are sweet, the apple or mango ones are less syrupy and also give a more gentle rise in blood sugar. Some may not like the texture, but I thought it was great. Also, Chia seeds help with prolonging hydration. Anyway, I liked these a lot. When my drop bag wasn't at the aid station, I grabbed a Hammer gel, and it was pretty gross.
HEED: I actually had packs of Scratch Labs drink mix, in case this race like the two prior I'd done in April were using GU Roctaine or GU Brew both of which upset my tummy. However, Heed has always worked great for me- so I stuck with that.

I've always been a big potato chip/ coke fan, but I had a really good meeting with my friend Erik Bartlett at The Runaround in Joplin where I bought the HUMA. I told him how potato chips on a long run had been helpful, and he just shook his head. He wished he had the new Cricket bars- but they didn't come in until this week. So, I didn't eat a single chip, and maybe one or two cokes. Fortunately , I had boiled 10 pounds of potatoes for the "No wieners for whiners" aid station. NOTE: weenie on lap one tasted magnificent.

I had already purchased avocados, but my friend Grant suggested raw almonds too. Past Sophia would have poo pooed almonds as too dry, but chances of an almond upsetting your stomach is slim and they have fat and protein all in a little nut. They pack great too.

Avocados:  These take some planning. Don't just think packing an avocado means you'll get to eat it. You better also pack a spoon and a knife. Put it all in it's own zip lock bag separate from your other things. I seasoned mine with S-caps and they gave me power.

GEAR:
Shoes: Inspire 10. Flexible and fast amongst the terrain. If it had rained they would have had little traction, but it did not (I still would have worn them). (These are available at all running specialty stores. If you buy them at the store it helps me feed Puccini.)

Skirt: new awesome Jasmyn Skirt by Mizuno in purple ombre. Available locally at http://www.therunningwellstore.com/
Bottle: Clean bottle.. actually pretty easy to carry, and inexpensive so I could pack a bunch.
Headlamp: Petzyl NAO (kind of awkward straps, but it lights up like a fog light.)
Pack: NATHAN VApor. The. Best. Pack . Ever. Available locally at http://www.garrygribbles.com/

Course: The elevation isn't that much-- 1100 per loop-- but the ups cover about half of that terrain. You get the picture. If you walk all the ups, you'll be out there forever. If you can't run technical with an element of poise and courage, you'll be out there forever. If you can't focus for hours on end in varying conditions, you'll be out there forever. Or you'll just drop. And it's not just rocks- there are roots too, which require a different technique. A fellow I had met the weekend before at Gorge Waterfalls, said he felt this course was every bit as tough because of the rocks and roots.

Pacing: I am ok with the faster first loop. I know what it feels like to have gone out too fast. You start to feel stiff and expired. I never felt that, just hot and was mentally solid until the end.

Next time: Flashlight along with headlamp for night-time technical. Do the Ucan recovery the whole time. That stuff's awesome. I used it on my 25 miler the following weekend (at Clinton-- yes, I went back for more..) and it was great.

Gorge Waterfalls 100k. Trail Boners, Cheese Burgers, Bronchitis and loss.

There I was RACING. It really wasn't the plan as I was recovering from a nasty bout of bronchitis, I'd gotten 2 and a half weeks ago. Yes, 2 and half weeks. Did I mention it was nasty? My brother calls our family health density "The Wharton Constitution." We rarely get sick. But my time for health had run out, just as I had a massive pre-taper training weekend set up for the Gorge. On March 15th, at 6:00 in the morning I was doubled over my filled water pack coughing uncontrollably. I cancelled meeting Kurt and Mark for a 20 miler and skipped the Pi Day half the next day. At this point, I structured a new plan for Gorge, which was to just take it easy and finish.

Despite the elevation, I felt that a finish was well within my capabilities. The temperature variation was going to be small and I hoped I could run easy, not taxing the lungs and keep it completely steady the whole way. 7:30 to the turnaround, and something similar on the return. 15- 16 hours total-- under the 16:30 cutoff.

My legs felt great. STRONG. Even on the up hills. It's something I haven't felt in a while. I also started at a perfect pace, and knew I was set up for success. Then it happened. Trail boner. I found myself down at the road nary a pink ribbon in sight. I started to go through the 5 stages of loss.
1. Denial:" I didn't miss a ribbon, the RD just didn't mark this well. Look, there's a trail! I'll run a little further until I see a ribbon. "
2. Anger: Dang. I am going to have to go back and UPHILL.
3. Depression: I am going to have to go uphill. I have lost valuable minutes.
4. Bargaining: Well-- bargaining is sort of like denial-- where you think you can make up for the loss. I didn't realize until 2 aid stations later how much that flub cost me.

"I'll see you at the turnaround." Bill Gibson. I'd met him the day before when he was part of my team at an aid station. He was helping a friend that day as well, and offered to crew me. Pretty awesome. As I left the aid station, I started to think about what he said.... I thought the turnaround was a "no crew access" aid station. I looked at my watch and knew. I bet the cutoff is noon... I have 2:15 to get there. He doesn't think I'll make it. I had heard this stretch was more like 10 miles with probably 2000, 2500 feet of elevation. He might be right. Great, I came here to run 100k and I'll only get in a 50k.

I was MAD. Angry. Was my unfortunate detour going to cost me my race? And so early, where I don't even get in a proper ultra? It was oddly coinciding with a detour I took in life that cost me. But the difference this time, was that I knew what the cutoff was, unlike in life.

All I thought about was my feet, my rhythm, my watch and finally my lungs to make sure I didn't push too hard. I got to the 50k mark in 2:05 and it was glorious.I dashed in like an Ultraphia,  slammed some tomato soup and got on my way 2 minutes later.  Bill was smiling.

Unfortunately, I probably should have taken a little more time and figured out a plan for the next aid station. I was a little spent and quite hungry. Peanut butter wasn't cutting it. It took me 2:20 to get to mile 40 and I knew what I needed.

"Meet me with a cheeseburger with extra pickles at the next aid station."

All I had to do was get to the next aid station... I just needed the cheeseburger and I would bounce back. I thought I was going to make it--- but had mis-remembered the course which was .4 tenths of a mile longer plus a waterfall than I had recalled.

5. Acceptance: the trail boner/time lost was going to cost me the race. But I accept that 50 miles with bronchitis and a perfectly executed 10 mile stretch in the middle is still a quality run.

I joined 2 other really solid runners at the aid station who had also missed the cutoff. My cheeseburger was there cut into triangles, just the way I liked it.  (funny, I remembered the triangle cut a couple days later.)

" Do you hate short people?" I was talking to James Varner the race director.
"No... why?"

I explained to James that the pink ribbons are dangling from tall tree branches, yet on a technical trail, even the tall people , but especially the short, can easily miss the markings.

He looked confused.

"What's the solution?"- James V.
"Tie the ribbons closer to the ground."
"Got it. Put ribbons closer to the ground for Sophia."

THANK YOU JAMES VARNER FOR LISTENING (including letting me know, he didn't understand the solution). Having been a race director, I have heard any number of suggestions-- many of which were unreasonable-- like ice cream at the finish, so I am careful with suggestions I make. But universally, all runners hate getting lost.

Breakdown: 

Course:  Very cool. An excellent stretch of the mind with the technical. There was a little road, but I didn't mind it. I shouted in awe at each waterfall.
Markings: While the ribbons were too high, often there were strategically placed wrong way signs... they just needed a few more.
Aid stations:  Were good. A couple things.... if a race starts at 4 am and will go on for 16 and a half hours... have hot coffee and some solid breakfast items at the first and second aid station. I am all about skipping the shirt and the buckle, but make it up to me in something hot. Tomato/Red Pepper soup from Costco is delicious, but too acidic for an aid station. (however, I now have the bucket list item of vomiting while burping on the run checked.) Get the Cashew/ Carrot / Ginger next time. Much more calming in the stomach. Also-- runners are totally fine with Ramen. It's cheap and does the trick-- just make sure they use one pack of noodles per 3 packs of water/ broth. If not, you get a gelationous heap of noodles.
Post race: I love the Pine Hearts and the brick oven pizza and this amazing running community.
Nutrtion: I didn't have a good breakfast plan. I had a Lara bar and an orange. Need more protein next time. Back to two hard boiled eggs, yoghurt and fruit.
I suppose: I would have been better rested if I hadn't volunteered the day before, but I am not one to skip a fun piece of an experience weekend-- and I would not have had a crew and a cheeseburger cut in triangles, or hugs at each aid station. However- I should have eaten better the day before as well. And I do know better.
Gear: SHOES: Mizuno Wave Inspire 10. Yes road shoes.. really flexible on the technical. Worked great.
Jasmyn Skirt - Mizuno. New this season, light.
Breath Thermo Stretch crew at the beginning when it was colder (actually borrowed that from Bill since I managed to forget mine in my friend's dryer in Seattle.)
Cool-touch shirt at mile 12
Katara shell- this thing is so soft and packable. A must have.

Tomorrow: Rockin' K. Just doing the marathon. It's time to go eat a healthy lunch.

Mud Hugs...and massive thanks to Bill for the ultra awesome support of my wild hot messness.