Why Suck Ups Suck..The Dark Vortex and 10 reasons why they SUCK.

"Nerds are just assholes disguised as suck ups."- Natasha McBroom (Erhlich)

 

 

This is not a funny blog. I write this because the most dangerous person I ever dated was not the handsome "classic asshole," but a "nice guy," who people saw as "crazy about me." Crazy- is a good word.

So, Why do Suck ups do it? Mostly to hide and because it's easy. The scary part is that many hide dangerous qualities, and it can often be too late when we realize we have been sucked into "The Dark Vortex."


 1.Insecurity.
2. Lack of vulnerability.
3. Jealousy. Lack of nurturing.
4. Lack of Empathy.

Let me explain:

Insecurity: The insecure man will smother you with compliments. "You're so cool." "I miss you." "I want you by my side." He'll tell you he loves you within the first 3 days and be planning out a life together.   He'll declare that you can have space, but you never feel it. This suck up is impatient and weak.  The moment he doesn't get what he wants from you, he will move on to settle for someone else.
       How you will feel: Drained. Guilty because he seems so nice, yet all the compliments seem to need a reciprocation you aren't ready to give. Surreal. "But he's such a nice guy." Why do you feel drained? Because the compliments often have more to do with his need versus your feelings. The insecure man needs validation. Often this validation  is found in dating someone who is what they wish they were, instead of becoming an authentic person who is what they want to be. Or at the least can separate admiration, from sucking up. The insecure, also need validation constantly wherever they can get it. So don't be surprised if they start sucking up to everyone but you (you are boring to them) when new people are around-- it may be to help your friends, a complete stranger during a race, another woman in charge of a project that has nothing to do with your work etc. Anything to get this desperately sought after validation.
     Why we stay with them: These are often the really weird intellectual types with a lack of social skills. We tell ourselves that we are less superficial if we give them a chance. We even try to help. (At least I have.) We help them with their wardrobe, social skills and body language, but unfortunately until they realize that dating someone cool doesn't make them cool, they are just simply a suck - up.  With one fellow, I asked him kindly to monitor , and instead of the onslaught of compliments, instead to ask me how I'm feeling. Despite the man's high IQ, he just couldn't handle it and settled for someone else. (How I felt then? relieved.)
You will also feel:  left out, abandoned and hurt when they start worrying about everyone and everything over you. Get used to it though. It will happen whenever there are multiple people around.

2. Lack of Vulnerability:  Vulnerability is a powerful component in a healthy loving relationship. The opposite of  vulnerability is control. Oddly, the controlling suck - up manages to hide this lack of vulnerability quite well. They are always a step ahead. Taking control of your social situations, goals, and plans. Because they always need something in return , they are often mooches. They may take over a situation like a camping trip with your girlfriends, taking on an irritating parental vibe. Externally it seems that they are so nice and helpful. But wait? Looking back you realize they were staying for FREE in your hotel room, your tent and that these are actually your friends. While they may be cooking breakfast, the suck up who lacks vulnerability doesn't seem to care that no one is hungry and puts the needs of everyone else above yours. They want to control what you need, so they can be comfortable, look good, but most of all avoid vulnerability. This one is scary
Clue: that you are with a controlling person. They say things like "I was bragging on you the other day." They are controlling when they are supportive. Trust me when you really need it, they will be ignoring you in a group conversation and staring and the, much more interesting, popcorn ceiling.
         How you will feel: Empty, misunderstood, abandoned and  unloved. As if nothing you say makes sense. And that every request is unreasonable. Why? Because they have chosen what they will do for you and what you need. They know you are a polite person, so they will make you feel as if you are being rude, if you say you 1. Don't need what they are insisting on doing. 2. Need something else - especially if it makes them feel vulnerable.
       Why we stay with them: because the acts of service add up. It takes a long time to see that very few were actually what we wanted, or if it was what we wanted, the situation quickly got out of our control and we became controlled by Mr. In Charge. Because, it wouldn't be called "control," if it didn't control. Often they are highly organized and easy to live with since they clean up after themselves (but don't ask them to put the toilet seat down after they pee.. that would be a request, and agreeing would make them feel vulnerable.) They seem stable and responsible.

3. Jealousy: The opposite of Jealousy is  encouragement and nurturing. At first it will seem as if this person admires you, and you'll get sucked in. They will ask for your help on their running or their blog. They will act as if they care about your opinion when it is to their advantage. But they will never share this energy with you in return. They may in one sentence say they read your blog only to, in the next sentence, give themselves credit for your latest Moniker. Yes, these people steal. They may at first say they "admire" that your friends will jump in and help you when asked, but their jealously will take over and soon you are separated from that group of friends and catering to the person. They try to steal your friends.  They may even let you know when they feel jealous over even the smallest of things that you do better.
     How you will feel: MAJORLY drained. You feel bad maybe even depressed. A loss of self. You'll help them over and over with their goals, yet yours will fail as they have taken over your goals and made you feel inadequate. They will achieve their goals with the nurturing and encouragement you give. Because anything you do better makes them feel bad and you are empathetic, you will subconsciously fail, so they can feel better.
    Why we stay with them: By this point, you are starting to feel like without them you would be even worse off. Often these jealous types are manipulative. You feel sorry for them, so you continue to give. You will no doubt, end up with similar hobbies.

  4. Selfishness: Many might suggest that generosity is the opposite of Selfishness. Actually generosity is often a means to mask selfishness. The real opposite of Selfishness is Empathy. So the suck up is lacking empathy. Taken to the top degree, this is a very dangerous person. Let's face it. Corporate America is built on suck - ups. Micro managing, narcissistic jerks who rise to the tops with their noses reeking of upper management Kaka. So, they often have some expendable cash hanging around to solve their relationship problems Truth is, money is cheap, understanding is priceless. They mask their lack of empathy by buying you stuff. Lots of it.  They feel self entitled because they make enough money to do so. They feel they own you. If you actually need anything they provide, they make you feel guilty or patronize you that you are in a position similar to their children. They feel better than everyone based on their income and accomplishments. They are jealous if your accomplishments are greater. They are confused if you don't base your attraction only on their accomplishments.
     How they make you feel: confused. guilty. angry. surreal. manipulated. abused.  This is the person, who no matter what reason you give to them for why you can't talk to them "that minute" on the phone just can't understand and judges. It could be that you are at your brother's and a guest is over for dinner, or you are preparing for a visit from your boss.


The Spiraling Suck - Up. (Usually happens when you try to disconnect.)

Most people have a little 1. and 2. in their make-up. We just can't help it. Insecurities exist and opening up to vulnerability is hard.

 But... the jealous and selfish suck-up who also possess the other 2 qualities are the ones to watch out for. And remember... I am talking about NERDS here. They may be goofy or super intelligent, dress weird or act and talk funny. You'll think at first that if you don't give them a chance, you are superficial. Don't worry, even after a year together when you try to break it off, they will make you feel as if you are superficial, so you might as well nip it in the bud.

If you stay too long and finally break up with a suck up you could get a spiraler.  They will most certainly be defensive. It doesn't matter if they said they'd give you space. They will judge you to high heaven and act as if somehow you are to blame for the problems in the relationship. Whether it be that they wouldn't listen and ask how you feel instead of sucking up, your email breakup  or whether you didn't appreciate all the self - help books they sent you. Trust me, when it comes to suck-ups, the only person to blame for problems is you. Why so defensive? Why so MEAN? Because you are taking away their biggest weapon. Their easy -to- use sucking up. The only thing they know how to do. It's easy, controllable, stealthy and in the short term delivers. It gives them sympathy from the outside world and the ability to be the victim. The danger here....   The spiralers, will stalk you out on social media.  There will be no real empathy for why you wanted to disembark and there will probably be much judgment. They will cry and make you feel so sorry for their pain.  They will become a victim suddenly as they desperately try to win you back. But it will still all be sucking up. They will NOT let you feel ok about anything (because that would be called empathy) . For example:
They won't let you even feel generous, if in a break-up you give them the tent YOU bought and shared together. They'll send it back to make you feel bad, then borrow it from your friends and never return it. Why? Because jealous people STEAL.

They over connect: This is often a post break-up suck up action. They make WAY more of the relationship than is worthy. Conversations, interactions, feelings or hobbies. Meanwhile, never acknowledging the things you told them that were real concerns- but yet if you mention that they SAY they are listening to you more than any other man has. Or claim that YOU are not listening to them.

Remember sociopaths and narcissists are defined by their lack of empathy. The Dangerous Suck Up is a Sociopath or Narcissist who simply lacks charisma -- a NERD.  


Here's the problem. I grew up in the "Revenge of the Nerds," generation  where the premise of the movie was  that the Nerds were the "good guys," just misunderstood. Charismatic Assholes, the bad guys who will treat you terribly. But I am going to heartily disagree.

Here are the top ten reasons why Suck - ups suck.
1. They are insincere.
2. They steal.
3. They are selfish.
4. They lack empathy
5. They don't listen
6. Desperation is unattractive.
7. They are jealous
8. They are mean
9. insecurity is just not sexy.
10. They suck your soul

Finally... (and thank you if you have gotten this far) the biggest reason suck ups suck??? Because at their highest level of performance as a human and friend, the best they will ever be is a Suck Up.
p.s. to all the slightly insecure, jealous, selfish, controlling dudes out there... there is hope for you. But you will probably have to enlist some professional help.